A Story Untold

I never thought I'd ever find the courage to share this with anyone, let alone consider to share this, but I feel I owe it to myself, considering how difficult it was for me. So I came across my diary which I compiled early last year and I was reading the stuff that I wrote in it and I thought to myself:  'why not share this?' besides, I feel the time has come to be able to let it all out, even with no emotional attachment to it. It is a composition of seven chapters which is titled Conversations With Dave. Dave happens to be a very good friend of mine whom I started to fall for in the midst of our friendship. In this "book" lol I wrote down everything and anything that the reality of our friendship would not allow me to say. I found comfort in it because I could not be heard, and what better way to do it than to put it on paper. The composition is broken down as follows:

Chapter One: Hello there stranger

Chapter Two: The acquaintance advances

Chapter Three: A friendship unbreakable

Chapter Four: It becomes too hard

Chapter Five: The emotional breakdown

Chapter Six: Picking up the pieces

Chapter Seven: Goodbye

This is an excerpt I took from Chapter Four: It becomes too hard..


I am sporadically around you and enthralled by your presence, almost as if to keep this warmth for myself, lest a day comes when the sun refuses to shine. All the while, I am numb to the realities that deny co-existence to my wishes - deeming them fairytales, where the glass slipper is swept away and men cannot climb hair.

I listen with an anxious heart, afraid of the beats it makes - in case I see you and it ceases to function. I began to wane from your presence, a moon perceived so full that it split the illuminated hope that weaved and bobbed, until there was none left.

I am forever trying to find the right words to sum up what I feel, I find my mouth open trying to compete with my heart. Not a word dares to assume the responsibility that the red vessel has impressed on me.

It's becoming too hard to pretend not to care, to avert my gaze and not to stare. It's becoming too hard not to share all my desires and needs. It's becoming too hard to pretend like I fully comprehend why this can't be. Most importantly, it's becoming too hard to accept the truth, that it is not you...it's me. I'm the one falling... for you.

I am sorry I've been put in this vulnerable position due to being exposed to the vague possibility of being with the kind of person I've always imagined myself with. I'm sorry this friendship zone has been put in danger, however, it is all becoming too hard..

So there it is - the typical teenage crush. Experienced at the age of 18, but grew and learnt from at the age of 19. I went through this for a reason: for me to be the strong person that I am today.

To you, My buddy maybe you'll read this some day, one day, or maybe not. The bottom line is you don't need to. xxx

Peace & Love

Lee.

I suffer from mystical visions and cosmic vibrations. So just let me be - one star at a time...

Word Vomit

It never ceases to amaze me how fickle people are. Yes this world is filled with this fickle nature of ours. One day you smile at me as if I have the ability to piss rainbows, and then the next; you mean mug as if you realised that in actual fact I detest them. It is quite foolish to be tolerant of this; but then I again, I come to the realisation as to why I stick around. You make it rather easy, when all you are is a convenience - a scratch when I have an itch!

Rumour has it that something is immensely wrong with you. The people whom you thought always cared about you, lay low for a very long while, and then all of a sudden, they re-emerge. Not because they genuinely care about your well-being, but because they want to acquire evidential substance to support their 'theory' which they've invented about you. From there on they then share their observations with third parties whom have also had the same suspicion about you. These are people who could give a muliplying blood cell as to what happens to you. It then escalates into more than just a rumour, and more of a brutal reality. Yes, yes, yes it all comes down to human conditioning. People are in your life to build you up, only to tear you down; and they are there again to repair the destruction. Borderline fuckery, but hey it happens. You, yourself and all that you are completes you. Nobody completes you - Jerry Maguire was just a movie! Until then..

One Love

Lee.